I think I have a complex.
I have the "I'm not worthy of Jesus" complex.
We've been over this before. Why can't I just believe his grace? I want SO badly to be the perfect christian....to spend tons of time in the word and prayer, to be encouraging to others, to share Christ with everyone I meet. When I don't reach those goals (on a daily basis) I get SO frustrated! I think I'm focusing too much on works, and not enough on grace.
I had a conversation with God that was really eye opening. You see, I have a hard time praying for things that I need, or people that I really care about, if I haven't spent time praising the Lord first. I don't want to treat God like a vending machine, or a genie....which is good, but I think I take it a little too far. I'll get frustrated with myself while I pray, and then I just give up.....which is dumb.
Today I was getting frustrated, and this was the conversation:
Me: "Lord, I don't understand why I can't love you and serve you like I want to....I want to be your best friend, but how can I when I'm constantly ignoring you in favor of other things?"
God: "You're right Julie, you're not my best friend....you're my daughter."
Silence.
What an amazing picture that is. My relationship with God isn't like my earthly friendships (which have ups and downs...you lose touch....they come and go). He's like my dad. No matter what, he loves me. If I ignore him, if I disobey him, if I fail him....he still loves me. I can't do ANYTHING to separate myself from that love. I could be a total idiot, and he would still lay down his life for me. That is incredible.
How can I deserve that kind of love? I can't. It's grace, and grace alone. That grace never ceases to amaze me. So, in return, I will continue to try my hardest to serve him, to love him, to follow him, not because I'm a good person, but because of the grace he has shown to me.
2 comments:
Julie,
It was great seeing you at church on Sunday, sorry we didn't get more time to chat. I just wanted to comment that I think you are entirely too hard on yourself...I don't think that God is off in the distance constantly judging us and crticizing our inadequacies, real or perceived...WE are human, HE is not...lighten up, enjoy HIM...and enjoy LIFE. Joy is contagious, and you are a great example of the JOY that HE has given you...I just wanted to let you know you are precious to so many, but especially to HIM no matter how hard you are on yourself! SO RELAX! :o) ENJOY LIFE!! xoxo
Julie,
It's been a while, but ironically I'm struggling with the same thing right now. God got me through a book called "Blue Like Jazz" (read it!)well it talks about this and it hit me in the gut. I am too proud to accept grace. I want to earn forgiveness, a little give and take, you know. Well being broken in my regard to Him is tricky. Sometimes, I feel sooo broken that I don't think that I can last the day, and then there's times when I forget. I forget that He is God and I am not. My world becomes a shrine of me, then everything falls apart. well today is the broken day, within a week of me's. pray for me, will ya.
your Lily
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